


Nobody Wins

by snnycarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Cheating, Drinking, Emetophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s19e13 The Undiscovered Country, Hurt/Comfort, Light Smut, M/M, One Night Stands, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Platonic Cuddling, just a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-05-12 03:36:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19220767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snnycarisi/pseuds/snnycarisi
Summary: Had Peter expected to prepare a cross-examination for a one-night-stand that had happened to kill an infant the night they had had sex? No. But this was where he was and Peter was a professional if nothing else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanna say I am so sorry for this ugly ass pairing, please blame Victor, he put me up to it :^)

The moment Peter opened the case file, he knew he was screwed. Rafael Barba- he hadn’t even known the man’s last name until just then- was on trial for the murder of an infant. Usually, this would hardly phase him as he was, unfortunately, used to murder cases. Sure, the fact that the man on trial was a Manhattan prosecutor himself made it a little disturbing, but Peter would have been able to cope if that was all that troubled him. The real issue here, was that this man, Rafael Barba, had spent the night in his bedroom the night before. 

 

\---

 

Peter had assumed he would spend his evening drowning in self pity and cheap whiskey, praying to wake up a different person. By his sixth bourbon, he could hardly see the bartender in front of him in the already dimly lit bar. A sheltered white man losing his father who he barely knew and was now drinking away his feelings- it was all so cliche. 

 

Then, a man dropped himself down onto the stool next to him, and Peter found himself salivating. Golden skin and perfectly sculpted hair, with the most intriguing green eyes he had ever seen. This man was beautiful, and Peter would be a fool to  _ not  _ try and pick him up.

 

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asked, as smoothy as he could muster after drinking as much as he had. 

 

“Looks like you’ve already started,” He snarked back. Peter then realised how distressed the man looked; shoulders hunched inside of his wrinkled suit, hand clenched into a fist and visibly fighting back tears. Then, his face softened, almost in defeat. “But sure, what the hell.”

 

“I’m Peter by the way. And I have to say, you’re the most gorgeous person I’ve seen in this dump all night.” He had long since learned that subtly will get you nowhere. The man smiled, and yet there was so much sadness in his expression one would think he had just been told his mother had died. Peter grew extraordinarily curious- maybe this mysterious man had also lost a parent recently. He had to have been grieving, it was the simplest explanation and only made Peter want to pursue him more. 

 

“Rafael.” The man- Rafael- offered. So he wasn’t a talker. That was fine, Peter would do all the talking for him. 

 

A scotch now placed in front of Rafael, he seemed worlds away. Blinking rapidly to keep his tears at bay and hands shaking as he lifted the glass to his lips- he was obviously going through something severe. A better person would see this and decide to leave him be, to let him deal with whatever it was he was dealing with and not complicate things with a one-night-stand from a dingy bar. But Peter was not a better person. If taking advantage of Rafael’s emotional turmoil was what he had to do to receive some real, human contact then so be it. 

 

Peter reached out and placed a hand over Rafael’s shoulder, rubbing circles over the suit jacket that covered the skin. He couldn’t wait to see what those arms looked like without being restricted by fabric. Rafael appeared to be trying his absolute hardest not to flinch away. 

 

“So Rafael, what’s gettin’ you so down?”

 

Rafael laughed, but there was no humour behind it. “You don’t wanna know.”

 

“Yeah? Try me darling.” The hand caressing Rafael’s shoulder slowly made its way to the back of his neck, and Peter began to lean in closer to the mysterious man. 

 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Rafael threw back the rest of his drink and once again visibly fought to control his breathing. Whatever it was that he was so upset about, maybe Peter really didn’t want to know. It wasn’t like it mattered anyway, as long as he got Rafael in bed with him, Peter wouldn’t have cared if he had just gone and killed someone. Well, maybe that was a little extreme, but the point was that Peter didn’t care for whatever it was that Rafael was so reluctant to tell him. 

 

“That’s okay. I’m done with talking now anyway. What do you say you and I go back to my place, to get your mind off of whatever it is that’s troubling you?” 

 

For a moment, it looked like Rafael was going to say something, object maybe. Then, he just nodded and took Peter’s hand with his clammy one, leading him out of the bar. 

 

The next morning, Peter woke up with his head pounding and bed empty. He barely even remembered what the man he had taken home had looked like, let alone if he had announced his leaving or if he had just skipped out on Peter before he woke up. Either way, he didn’t blame him. 

 

Skin still sticky with sweat and semen, Peter dragged his aching body out of bed and stumbled towards the bathroom to shower. 

 

\---

 

Had Peter expected to prepare a cross-examination for a one-night-stand that had happened to kill an infant the night they had had sex? No. But this was where he was and Peter was a professional if nothing else. He couldn’t recuse himself- people would ask too many questions. And it definitely wouldn’t look good if the reason  _ why  _ he had to recuse himself came out. So, he would suck it up and go through with the case preparation, he owed it to the victim. 

 

Looking over the list of witnesses Peter had received from the defence, everything seemed pretty conventional. The Householder couple were there of course, some doctors and nurses that had been there the night it had happened, and an svu detective. This was somewhat strange- the detective had not been present on the night in question, and Peter wondered if maybe he was a character witness. A friend of Barba’s testifying about what a good man he was would surely convince the jury of his humanity, after all. So, Peter decided he would do his due diligence; maybe he could dig up some dirt on the detective that would shatter his credibility. 

 

Dominick Carisi Junior, by all accounts, seemed like a perfect cop and an even better person. It was a shame, Peter was sure he would be able to find something on the man but truely there was nothing to find. In a last, desperate attempt to discredit the detective, Peter began to search through the NYPD database- if Carisi wasn’t dirty, maybe he had connections with someone who was. And boy, had Peter hit the jackpot. 

 

A few years ago, the NYPD and the Manhattan DA’s office had both sent in paperwork, disclosing the relationship between Dominick Carisi Junior and Rafael Barba. 

 

Peter was now confident he could break this witness, even if his heart felt a little heavier for doing so. He planned on winning the case, but he knew in this situation, there were no winners. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second he pulled the plug on that baby, all Rafael could think about was Sonny. What Sonny would think of him, what Sonny would do when he found out, whether Sonny would come to his trial or not. He knew the answer- of course he would be there, even if he didn’t agree with what Rafael had done. Sonny was too loyal, too loving and too forgiving for his own good. So, Rafael had to do something to prevent that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters are planned out and I may write a fifth, an epilogue type thing- I am having so much fun writing this lmao. Anyway enjoy... whatever this is

Watching Sonny, the love of his life, approach the stand to testify to how good of a man Rafael was even though he had hurt him so badly, was almost worse punishment than prison. Even after everything Rafael had put him through, he was still willing to go above and beyond for him, and seeing his red-rimmed eyes stare vacantly towards the back of the courtroom made Rafael wish he could take everything back. But he couldn’t. 

 

\---

 

At first, Rafael didn’t know where he was; but the bedding was different to his own. Sonny had bought them these ridiculous golden sheets to ‘add a pop of colour to the room’- these were plain white and visibly stained, even in the low lighting. Even worse, the man lying next to him was not Sonny. Rafael didn’t know who he was and likely would never see him again and he wasn’t Rafael’s fiance. Well, after tonight, he doubted Sonny would be his fiance either. 

 

Drew Householder was dead and Rafael had killed him. When the police find out, if they haven't already, he would probably go to prison. His whole career he had put murders in prison and now, some lucky ADA was going to be putting him away for the same crime. 

 

The second he pulled the plug on that baby, all Rafael could think about was Sonny. What Sonny would think of him, what Sonny would do when he found out, whether Sonny would come to his trial or not. He knew the answer- of course he would be there, even if he didn’t agree with what Rafael had done. Sonny was too loyal, too loving and too forgiving for his own good. So, Rafael had to do something to prevent that.

 

The only thing Rafael could think to do that would force Sonny to leave him, was to cheat. And he hated himself for it- possibly even more than he hated himself for killing the infant, if that was possible. 

 

Glancing over at the man next to him, Rafael felt bile rising in his throat. There was no warmth, no affection, just some asshole he picked up in a shitty bar downtown. Sonny smiled in his sleep, especially after they had been intimate. Rafael loved watching his face soften as whatever dream he was having made that lazy smile spread across his cheeks. He loved waking Sonny up in the mornings by smothering his face with kisses, and he loved weekends when he could stay in bed holding him close for hours if he wanted to. This man wasn’t Sonny, and he wouldn’t ever have Sonny like that again. 

 

Rafael became overwhelmed with nausea, partly due to the alcohol he had consumed, but mostly due to the feeling of cold dread and raw self-hatred that swam around inside his guts. 

Stumbling out of the unfamiliar bedroom, Rafael located the bathroom and proceeded to throw up the contents of his stomach. The great Rafael Barba, the crusading lawyer with balls of steel, now sat on the cold tiles of a bathroom that did not belong to him, hunched over a toilet bowl and sobbed like a little kid. 

 

\---

 

The second Rafael stepped over the threshold of his apartment, Sonny essentially pounced on him, making sure he was okay. Sonny looked like hell, his eyes were red either from a lack of sleep or from crying- Rafael suspected both. 

 

Sonny began pacing around the living room, gesturing wildly and seemingly conflicted between feeling relief and further panic. 

 

“Raf, where the fuck have you been? I’ve been calling all night and you didn’t pick up and I thought something had happened to you-” 

 

“I’m fine.” He interjected Sonny’s frantic rambling, sitting himself down on the couch and staring blankly at the wall ahead of him. Sonny immediately stopped, and crouched down in front of him. He knew he was being cold, and probably scaring Sonny further, but he couldn’t be affectionate just to rip it all away moments later with the confession of what he had done. 

 

“Rafi, I had the cops knocking down our door looking for you because, apparently, you had killed a baby? Please just tell me what’s going on and please tell me you didn’t do that and they had the wrong guy,” Tears formed in Sonny’s eyes as he desperately scanned Rafael’s face for some sign that he hadn’t done exactly that. Rafael continued to stare blankly at the wall, attempting to tell Sonny what he had done. The man in front of him was so full of love and concern it almost made Rafael want to be sick again. “Rafael, fuck, look at me! I need you to look me in the eyes right now and tell me you didn’t kill that kid!” 

 

Hearing so much desperation and pain in Sonny’s pleading, Rafael knew he couldn’t keep this up for much longer. He leaned forward, and placed a kiss to Sonny’s forehead, knowing it would likely be the last time he would ever be allowed to touch the younger man. 

 

“I did it. I killed him. And then I cheated on you. With a stranger from a bar, I don’t know who he was but he wasn’t you. I’m going to turn myself in now and you never have to see me again.” 

 

Those words might as well have been a slap to the face with the way Sonny reacted. He stood up and within a second was on the other side of the room, arms crossed over his chest and tears running down his cheeks. It was like he knew. He didn’t want to believe the man he loved could be a killer, but deep down he knew. Rafael realised the fear that had been in Sonny’s voice hadn’t been  _ for  _ him, but  _ of  _ him. 

 

“Get out.” He spat, anger, confusion and disgust all melting into one as he put as much space between himself and Rafael as possible.

 

Silently, Rafael picked himself off the couch and moved towards the front door. He might have been crying, he didn’t know. His body felt miles away and mentally he just couldn’t handle the look on Sonny’s face. Sonny was scared of him because he had murdered a child and then cheated on him. He had ruined the only good thing he’d ever had beyond repair and in doing so, he’d broken Sonny. 

 

As his hand turned the doorknob, he knew this would be the last time he would step foot inside their apartment. 

 

“Wait, Rafael,” A strangled sob forced its way out of Sonny as he called out to Rafael. 

 

Rafael didn’t respond, he didn’t think he could take whatever it was his ex-fiance was about to say, and he suspected he would lose his mind if he had to see the damage he had done reflected on Sonny’s face for a moment longer. 

 

\---

 

Sonny had been called as a character witness. It wasn’t Rafael’s choice and if it was up to him the detective would be left out of the trial entirely. But his lawyer didn’t know about the affair and to him, it seemed as if Sonny could hardly say anything that would hurt their case. As a lawyer himself, Rafael  _ knew  _ the one thing you leave out of your story is the one thing that is used against you; but as soon as he learned that the man he had slept with was the same man prosecuting his case, Rafael felt pretty confident that detail wouldn’t come up. 

 

Dworkin did know that Sonny and Rafael weren’t on speaking terms, and so he went over the detective’s testimony without Rafael’s contribution. So, when Sonny approached the stand, Rafael really had no idea what he was about to say. 

 

“Det. Carisi, you’ve been in a relationship with Mr Barba for five years now, is that correct?”

Sonny sighed, as if collecting himself and continued to stare off somewhere around the back of the room. 

 

“Something like that, yeah.”

 

“And you’ve always known him to have good judgement?” Sonny let out a shaky laugh, the irony of the statement getting to him.

 

“Yeah. He’s the straightest lawyer I know, he taught me pretty much everything I know about practising law- I’ve also passed the bar.” He directed the last part at the jury. It felt like a stab in the chest for Rafael to hear so much hero worship in Sonny’s voice even after all this time.

 

“Det. Carisi, why are you here testifying today?” Dworkin stood with his arm resting against the witness stand, an air of casualty about him that Rafael knew was rehearsed. Everything the lawyer said or did in the courtroom was an act, a performance that appeared effortless to anyone that had never themselves prosecuted or defended in court. He was good, Rafael couldn’t deny that.

 

Sonny took a long, shaky breathe in an attempt to steady his voice, and looked directly at Rafael. 

 

“I’m here because I think Rafael Barba is a good man, one of the best I’ve ever known. I’ve had the privilege to love him and be loved by him for five years, and I wouldn’t trade that for the world,” He was crying now, lines of tears running down his reddening cheeks as he stared into Rafael’s soul. “He doesn’t deserve to go to prison. I don’t agree with what he did, but I understand why he did it.”

 

Rafael got the feeling he wasn’t just talking about Drew’s death anymore. Subtly glancing towards the jury, he could see they were all at least a little bit moved. Sonny just had that effect on people, he practically bled sunshine wherever he went. There was such a captivating intensity to him now, and as much as Rafael wanted to look away from all the hurt he had caused, he just couldn’t.

 

“You say you understand why he did it, how’s that?”

 

“I was a detective assigned to the Householder kidnapping case. I saw how much it was getting to him- and everyone else for that matter- and I understand why he felt backed into a corner; I think we all felt it a little.” Sonny now searched the crowd in the gallery for his lieutenant, and visibly relaxed when she shot him a reassuring smile. 

 

“I just wanna say that I wish to God I could take it all back. I wish I had never presented the case to him and none of us had to be here. To the Householder family, I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss and for everything you’re going through right now and I wish you could see the kind of man Rafael really is. He is good, he is kind and I know he never meant to cause as much harm as he has.” Sonny was well and truly crying now, the tears still streaming down his face as he hiccuped through his speech. Attempting to wipe away the wetness on his face with his sleeve, Rafael saw nothing but heartbreak in the man’s expression. The worst part was Rafael couldn’t tell if Sonny still believed in his goodness as a person, or if he was lying through his teeth, and Rafael didn’t know which he would have preferred. 

 

“Thank you, detective. Do you need a minute?” Sonny continued to silently sob and nodded his head. 

 

The judge granted a ten minute recess for Sonny to collect himself before being questioned by the prosecution. Rafael was terrified of what Stone would ask, whether he was dedicated to this case enough to risk his own reputation in mentioning the affair, or whether he would ignore the topic entirely. He prayed Stone would go easy on Sonny- it didn’t look like the detective could keep it together for much longer. 

 

Back in the courtroom, Sonny was significantly less composed than he had been when first taking the stand, but he had gotten a hold over his tears.

 

Stone stood slowly, and his expression was warm as he approached the stand- this filled Rafael with dread.

 

“Good morning, Det. Carisi, may I say that I am also very sorry to be here.”

 

“Thank you.” Sonny essentially spat out. He knew Stone’s kindness was false, and only used to gain brownie points from the jury, but it wasn’t as if he could say as much.

 

“Detective, throughout your relationship, has Mr Barba ever hit you?”

 

Sonny looked utterly disgusted as he  answered, “No. Never.”

 

“Has he ever hurt you?”

 

“What, physically?” The confusion in his voice apparent. A small part of Rafael was glad that, even after everything, Sonny had no doubt in his mind that Rafael would never lay a hand on him. “No, he hasn’t.”

 

“Okay, not physically.” Stone slowly approached the witness stand, like a hunter moving in on a wild animal. “What about emotionally?”

 

Sonny scoffed. “We’ve been together for five years now, so yeah, like any couple, we’ve had our ups and downs.” Rafael was eternally thankful for Sonny’s experience testifying, knowing that anyone else may have not given such a vague answer. He also knew Stone would keep pushing, and dread bubbled up inside of him at the thought. 

 

“‘Ups and downs’, alright.” Stone paused for a moment- Rafael could just tell they were in the eye of the storm. “Has he ever been unfaithful? Cheated on you?”

 

Rafael’s mouth went dry and he glanced down at his hands in shame. Sonny’s momentary silence said more than words could. He knew. He knew Stone was the one Rafael had slept with. He wasn’t an idiot- he knew Rafael wouldn’t have told his lawyer or anyone else about the affair, meaning the only way for Stone to know would be his involvement. Rafael couldn’t  _ believe  _ the balls on that man. 

 

“Det. Carisi, may I remind you you’re under oath.” Rafael looked up and saw Sonny’s eyes narrowing and his cheeks growing redder by the second. 

 

“Yes. Yeah. He cheated.” Tears reappeared in Sonny’s eyes and Rafael had never hated himself more. How could he have done this? He had broken the kindest, most gentle person he had ever met by sleeping with that vile man questioning him. Sonny was the love of his life, he was sure of it, and he had thrown that all away, and for what? Some average drunk-sex and now a whole new thing for the jury to hate him for. 

 

Dworkin painfully jabbed Rafael’s side with his elbow, mouthing, “Are you serious?” under his breath. It wasn’t like there was anything he could do- it was too late to discuss their approach to the topic now. 

 

“And when did that occur, detective?” 

 

“Objection, your honour, relevance?” Dworkin cut in, desperately attempting to save the tiniest bit of Rafael’s decency in the jury’s eyes. 

 

“Overruled. But tread lightly Mr Stone.”

 

“Det. Carisi, when was it that Mr Barba cheated on you?”

 

Sonny violently rubbed at his cheeks to keep the tears at bay and a choked sob escaped his throat. “The night Drew Householder died.”   
  


Stone turned to the jury, making sure they understood the impact of Sonny’s words. Rafael didn’t know who he hated more- Stone or himself.  

 

“So, on the night in question, he not only killed an innocent child, but he also went out and cheated on his devoted partner of five years, and you still expect the jury to think he’s a good guy, just trying to do the right thing?” Then, immediately after, he added, “Withdrawn.”

 

Sonny didn’t respond, just sat there and cried until the judge asked him to step down. All Rafael felt was disgust. Disgust towards himself, towards Stone, towards Dworkin for making Sonny endure that questioning. Rafael just wanted it all to stop.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my twitter is @snnycarisi
> 
> comments are appreciated !


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t even bother, Rafael. You used me to make yourself look good to the jury and that ADA completely blindsided me,” Rafael wanted to interrupt, tell him he never wanted him on the stand in the first place, but something about the way Sonny’s voice was rising in volume and his face growing redder, told him to keep his mouth shut.

After Sonny’s testimony, court was adjourned for the day- Rafael would have been pleased if it wasn’t for the growing sense of self loathing that had taken residence in the pit of his stomach. Dworkin had chastised him for not telling him about the affair, but Rafael hadn’t really been really listening- his lawyer seemed to get the message and left him alone with his thoughts for the rest of the afternoon.

 

He couldn’t go back to the hotel he had been staying in, it just reminded him of the fact that he couldn’t go home. He couldn’t go home because Sonny was there, who, in that moment was the only person who hated Rafael more than Rafael hated himself. Olivia had offered her couch to him during the trial, but now that she knew he had cheated on one of her friends, he doubted that offer still stood. So, he went to the only place he had left that was familiar, but had no sentimentality attached- the coffee shop next to the courthouse. 

 

The amount of times he had walked into that coffee shop, briefcase in hand and an opening statement in his head was uncountable. The barista knew him by first name, and started making his regular order the second he stepped foot inside. It felt good to think that maybe this man didn’t know about his trial, he doubted it was true though. 

 

As he waited for his coffee, Rafael scanned the shop, looking into the faces of everyone that sat inside. There was a woman in a very expensive suit, reading a newspaper while drinking her coffee. There was a pair of teenage girls, giggling to each other, probably skipping class. And there was a man, a beautiful man with silver hair and striking blue eyes that shone with tears as he silently sobbed into a latte. Sonny sat in that coffee shop alone, crying his heart out and the sight shattered Rafael’s heart. He had to say something, do  _ something  _ to take some of the detective’s pain away. 

 

“Sonny, hey,” Rafael slid into the seat across from him, causing Sonny, who clearly hadn’t noticed his presence until then, to flinch. “I’m so sorry for what happened up there, I had no idea that’s how it was gonna go.”

 

A bitterness came over Sonny’s expression, and he laughed wetly. “Typical. The first apology I’ve heard from you and it’s about your fucking trial,” His eyes darted around the wall behind Rafael’s head, actively avoiding eye contact. “Just leave me alone, Rafael. I don’t wanna talk to you right now.”

 

“No, hey, please just listen, okay?” Rafael knew it wasn’t going to be easy to get Sonny to hear him out, but he had hoped the detective would at least look at him while he spoke. This, however, was definitely not going to happen anytime soon. “I am so sorry for everything I’ve done. I cheated on you because I wanted to protect you from me and it was wrong and it was cruel and, yeah, I regret it every second of every day. I’m so sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you, Sonny, and I wish I could take it all back.” Tears brimmed in Rafael’s eyes and his voice grew hoarse and barely audible by the end of his apology. 

 

Then, Sonny stopped crying, and Rafael almost wished he hadn’t. Where before there were tears painting his face in heartbreak, pure fury took over. Rafael had never seen so much hatred on Sonny’s face, and to know it was directed at him made him want to stand up and run out of the coffee shop. 

 

“Don’t even bother, Rafael. You used me to make yourself look good to the jury and that ADA completely blindsided me,” Rafael wanted to interrupt, tell him he never wanted him on the stand in the first place, but something about the way Sonny’s voice was rising in volume and his face growing redder, told him to keep his mouth shut.

 

“It was him wasn’t it? Stone? You fucked Stone and then you put me on the stand in front of him while he made me look like an idiot for ever trusting you- you humilated me all over again but you don’t even care about that, you’re just pissed the jury won’t see you as a modern day Robin fucking Hood.” Sonny fought to keep his voice down, not wanting to cause a scene so close to the courthouse, but Rafael could tell if not for those circumstances, he would be yelling. 

 

“I went out on a limb for you- against mine and everyone I talked to about it’s judgement by the way- and you fucked me over all over again. So go ahead, Rafael, tell me some bullshit about how the cheating ‘wasn’t you’ and you did it ‘to protect me’.” Sonny now looked Rafael dead in the eyes, and Rafael saw every emotion swimming around those baby blue eyes. All the anger, the hurt, the heartbreak and the regret melding together to make Sonny break down. Rafael still did not dare to interrupt him. 

 

“You know what you could have done to protect me? You could have called me. When you were in that hospital room you could have called me and I would have come to get you and we could have talked it out and maybe this wouldn’t have happened.” For a moment, Rafael let himself consider this scenario.

 

_ His hand rests against the switch, the simple on/off, life/death of the life support machine. He so badly wants to do it, to end the child’s life and end his mother’s suffering. The law had failed that family and he knew he could solve all of their problems by just flipping that switch.  _

 

_ But he hesitates.  _

 

_ Instead, he pulls out his phone and dials the number at the top of his list. The voice that answers is soft and calming, immediately taking away all of his anxiety and making it clear that killing that baby would only make his life worse. And not just his life, the life of the voice over the phone too, and he would rather die himself than cause that man pain. The voice over the phone manifests as his fiance, who runs into the hospital room and holds him while he cries. The world is cruel, but this man makes everything feel just that tiny bit better. For now, they are both okay.  _

 

How Rafael wished he could live in that scenario. But, he can’t, and he made his decision that night and nothing can undo that. Back in this reality, Sonny showed no signs of calming down, the hysteria in his voice intensifying as he continued to rant. 

 

“You just don’t care, Raf; not about me, not about yourself, not about anything. You didn’t kill that baby because he deserved to die or whatever bullshit your crackhead lawyer is feeding to the jury- you did it because you wanted to redeem yourself for what you did to your dad. It had nothing to do with that baby or his family, it was about  _ you _ , like everything you do.” It wasn’t true, Rafael wanted to say as much but he felt as if his throat was closing in. He could barely breathe, let alone talk. Sonny rose from his seat now, and frantically threw his coat on in an attempt to get out of there before he could no longer control himself. 

 

“So yeah. I’m done being collateral damage in your twisted self-destruction, you can just move on to some new little law school twink and get the hell out of my life. Don’t call me, don’t have any of your friends- if you even have any left- call me, don’t come to my apartment- just stay the fuck away from me.” And with that, Sonny was gone. 

 

\---

 

Rafael didn’t know how or why he ended up on Peter Stone’s doorstep, but there he stood, waiting for the ADA to answer. Peter threw the door open, and his eyes narrowed when he saw Rafael there, alone.

 

“I can’t talk to you until the trial’s over, Barba-” He said while attempting to shut the door in Rafael’s face, but the older man just shoved his way into the apartment. 

 

“What the hell are you doing?” He hissed, using his height as an advantage and standing over Rafael. Rafael, however, had enough emotion accumulated inside of him to be at least seven feet tall.

 

“You ruined my life! Sonny hates me and he’s barely hanging on himself. The only good thing I’ve ever had in my life and you took that from me!” He was screaming, finally letting out all of the pain he was harbouring. He knew he was being unfair, showing up at the man’s house just to scream at him. He also knew that Peter never meant to be involved in this whole mess. But he was involved, and Rafael needed someone to take his hurting out on. 

 

“Barba,” He started slowly, attempting to figure out what he could say to the hysterical man in front of him that wouldn’t make the situation worse. “I didn’t  _ make  _ you kill a baby and I didn’t  _ make  _ you cheat on your fiance- that’s on you, you did it to yourself, and I’m sorry, but you really can’t blame me for that.” 

 

He was right. He was absolutely right and Rafael hated that. 

 

“I never wanted to sleep with you.” His voice was small, pathetic and held no real weight, but Rafael didn’t feel like accepting responsibility anytime soon. 

 

“You were practically sober, you had every opportunity to say no and you didn’t. You willingly went home with me, I didn’t force you to do anything, the only person that is responsible for your life falling apart is yourself.”

 

Again, he was spot on. It only made Rafael want to strangle the life out of him. 

 

Instead, Rafael grabbed onto Peter’s tie and pulled him close, kissing him hungrily. It felt so wrong, everything about this moment set alarm bells off in his mind, and yet he couldn’t stop himself. Peter moaned softly into the kiss and began licking into Rafael’s mouth, moving his hands to firmly grip Rafael’s ass. Biting down on the taller man’s bottom lip, Rafael wasn’t sure if he wanted to cause pain or pleasure- maybe both, he didn’t really care anymore. All he knew was that he wanted to feel something, and if that meant once again sleeping with Peter Stone, well, it could be worse. 

 

Peter lifted Rafael with ease and pushed him up against the wall, Rafael wrapping his legs around the other man’s waist. It was messy, it was violent and it felt so incredibly wrong. With Sonny, sex had always been gentle and full of love, even before they were officially dating. There was just an intensity to him that meant his tender side was always on display; before him Rafael had hated the term ‘making love’ but that was what it was with Sonny. Rafael knew he would never be able to make love to Sonny again, and he didn’t want anyone else. So, now he would settle for dirty, ugly, fucking. 

 

Peter kissed down his neck, and bit down on his jaw so hard Rafael felt tears blooming in his eyes. Rafael felt himself getting harder as the lawyer continued to bite and lick, beginning to unbutton Rafael’s shirt for better access. As he took one of Rafael’s nipples into his mouth, he curled his tongue around the bud, Rafael moaned loudly and dug his nails into Peter’s back. 

 

All of a sudden, Peter pulled away and dropped Rafael to the floor, panting. 

 

“I’m not risking my career for you again. We can pick up where we left off when the trial is over.” 

 

Something clicked in Rafael’s mind, and the real reason he had come to the ADA’s house that night became clear as day. In his mind he saw the hurt on Sonny’s face that he had caused and it immediately became clear what he had to do. 

 

“There’s not going to be a trial anymore. I’m changing my plea in the morning, and I’ll do the full time for what I did.”

 

Peter scoffed and ran a hand through his disheveled hair.

 

“That’s bullshit. If you want your dick sucked that badly you should go home to your boyfriend, but don’t jerk me around, Barba.”

 

“If you honestly think I give enough of a shit about you to manipulate you into sleeping with me, you don’t know me at all,” Rafael then sank to his knees, and took a hold of Peter’s belt buckle. “I’m changing my plea in the morning, I deserve it. Now will you let me get off for the last time as a free man?”

 

This seemed to be enough for Peter, who nodded as Rafael removed his belt. 

 

Rafael momentarily closed his eyes, and reveled in the feeling of being free. Free from prison, but more importantly, free from himself. He inhaled deeply, and let go of Rafael Barba the Manhattan sex crimes prosecutor, Rafael Barba the lawyer, even Rafael Barba the moral man, before removing Peter’s trousers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It gets better after this, I promise. Anyway, only one more chapter to go, how exciting!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exactly one month. One whole month had passed and to Sonny, it felt like less than a week since the love of his life put himself in prison for the rest of his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter! lets go!

Exactly one month. One whole month had passed and to Sonny, it felt like less than a week since the love of his life put himself in prison for the rest of his. Sure, there was an opportunity for parole, but that would take more than just a month to come into fruition. One month later and here he sat, in a bar full of pleasantly drunk cops, celebrating a win in court. Here he sat, in a bar probably not unlike the one Rafael had gone to seeking the company of another man. Here he sat a few seats down from that same man whose bed had been the last one Rafael slept in before his arrest. 

 

As soon as Olivia told Sonny that Stone would be their new ADA, he felt like God was playing some sick joke on him. Like even after everything he’d gone through, he still couldn’t catch a break. Every single day he was forced to pretend he didn’t loathe the man. Every single day he had to act like Stone even came close to being the kind of lawyer- the kind of _man_ - Rafael was. Every single day he had to pretend he didn’t know this man had been part of the reason for his life being torn apart.

 

So here he sat, in the bar, a glass of scotch in hand almost as a salute to the life he had lost. 

 

“You doing okay?” Mike slid onto the stool to his left and placed a hand over his shoulder. 

 

Sonny was eternally grateful for everything Mike had done for him in the past month. He had been on the phone the whole night of the incident, when Sonny had no idea where Rafael was or if he planned on coming home at all, he had let Sonny stay with him for as long as he needed (which was up until a week ago) so he didn’t have to be surrounded by Rafael’s things, he had been held Sonny while he sobbed over the betrayal and held his hand when he needed help being strong. He knew more about the situation than anyone else, and he knew that Rafael had cheated, but he didn’t know who he cheated with- Sonny thought he should keep that private if any of them expected to be professionals.

 

He shrugged and gave Mike a strained smile. “I just really miss him right now.” His words were more slurred than he expected them to be, and honestly he didn’t even know how many drinks he had had. 

 

Mike rubbed his shoulder in response and ordered himself a drink, Sonny wasn’t paying enough attention to know what. All he could think about was how it should be Rafael sitting next to him, casually touching him and ordering him celebratory drinks. He should be sitting there beaming with pride because his fiance kicked ass in court and not drinking his feelings away. If Rafael hadn’t’ve killed that stupid baby then maybe he could be happy, and not mourning the life he had planned for himself. 

 

More than anything, Sonny wanted to hate him, but he just couldn’t. He didn’t think there was a reality in which he could ever hate Rafael, even after every horrible thing he had done. He  wanted to hate him but really, he just missed him so much his heart hurt. 

 

“Sonny, you in there?” Mike waved a hand in front of his eyes, concern painting his expression. 

“Sorry, I guess I’m a bit out of it today.” This was an understatement, but he didn’t need Mike worrying about him. 

 

“What d’ya say you and I get out of here, go back to mine and watch a movie or something? Take your mind off everything?” Before he could answer, Stone dropped himself down onto the stool to Sonny’s right, and everything Mike had said immediately left Sonny’s mind. 

 

“Saw your tab, Carisi, you’re really putting ‘em back tonight,” playfully slapping him on the back, an easy smile (that Sonny would have loved to punch off) occupied Stone’s face. “Take it easy, man, we’ve still gotta come to work tomorrow, remember.”

 

“‘Take it easy’? That the line you used on my fiance before you slept with him?” The words just came out, an indication of his intoxication and internalised rage, but once they were out there Sonny found he absolutely did not regret saying it. Both men on either side of him went silent, Mike staring at him wide-eyed and mouth agape, while Stone looked more taken aback than he had ever seen him. “Yeah, I knew about that.”

 

“Sonny…” Mike started, confusion still clouding his expression. Sonny just shook his head, and tapped his arm- an indication to drop the subject, for now at least.

 

Stone still stared at Sonny silently, and Sonny could tell he was wracking his brain for the perfect politician's response.

 

“Look, that was an emotional time for all of us, but it’s water under the bridge now, right?”

 

Sonny huffed out a laugh, more out of surprise than anything else. He knew Stone struggled in the empathy department but he really hadn’t thought he could be  _ that  _ ignorant to other people’s feelings. He had to admit, it was pretty ballsy for him to say, especially in a bar full of people Sonny could easily draw into the conversation and expose Stone for the living, breathing piece of garbage he was. 

 

“You ruined my life.” It was barely audible, the words just ghosting Sonny’s lips, but he knew Stone had heard him.  

 

Rolling his eyes and lifting his hands to rub his temples, Stone looked as if he was collecting himself, trying to keep from losing it in such a public space. It just made Sonny angrier, because, what right did he have to be upset?

 

“Of course I did- why does everyone keep saying that?” Sonny wondered who ‘everyone’ included, and the thought left the taste of bile in the back of his throat. “You blame me like it wasn’t entirely his choice, like somehow he looked at me and his free will just dissipated completely. You ever think about how, maybe, it wasn’t my fault? How can I  _ possibly  _ be to blame that your boyfriend lost it and killed a baby?!” 

 

Sonny’s hands curled into fists and he swore steam poured out of his ears cartoonishly. He had never been a violent person, always favouring calm conversations to resolve problems over fists, but right now, he knew he was about to hit Stone. 

 

“You’re an asshole, you know that? You’re a fucking asshole!” Lurching forward, he grabbed the lawyer’s collar and raised his fist, nearly screaming in his face- but was tugged away by a strong grip on the back of his shirt. He didn’t know who was keeping him from beating the shit out of Stone, but he struggled against it while the ADA stared back at him in unflinching defiance. 

 

“Sonny, it’s not worth it okay?” Mike whispered into his ear and Sonny just went limp. His rage subsided and he realised where he was and what he was really about to do. Olivia, Amanda and Fin watched on in horror from across the room, all clearly prepared to storm over and deescalate the situation if necessary. He blushed furiously and let Mike drag him out of the bar and into the cool night air. 

 

“‘M sorry.” He mumbled as Mike gripped his shoulders, searching his face for further signs of distress. 

 

Sonny was pissed off, obviously. Stone had no right to defend himself and act as if he had no role in Sonny's life crumbling apart and Sonny hated him with every inch of himself. But he was also embarrassed and ashamed for the way he blew up in front of everyone, and would now either need to tell them the truth of what happened, humiliating himself further, or lie. He wasn’t sure which would be worse. More than anything, he just wished none of this was happening and that it was Rafael calming him down and Rafael taking him home afterwards. A month clearly hadn’t been long enough to mourn the life he felt entitled to, the life he had lost. 

 

“Hey, talk to me, what’s going on?”

 

Sonny just shook his head and wrapped his arms around Mike’s shoulders, burying his face in the other man’s sweater. Mike reciprocated the hug, if somewhat tentatively at first but eventually holding him just as tightly, and just let Sonny tremble against him. 

 

“I just wanna go home.” His voice cracked and it became painfully obvious that he was actively fighting back tears. 

 

“Yeah, okay. Let me take you?” Receiving a small nod from Sonny, Mike looked to his phone to call an uber back to Sonny’s apartment. He wasn’t going to push the detective for the reason why he had lost it (mostly because he had already figured it out; he wasn’t an idiot and it was kind of obvious) but he made sure that he would be there if Sonny did want to talk about it. 

 

\---

 

“Stone was the one Rafael cheated on me with. I found out during the trial and I didn’t tell anyone because I knew we had to work with him afterwards, I didn’t need for everyone else to be dealing with trying to do their job despite hating his guts like I was.”

 

Sonny had dropped down onto the couch and blurted out the confession as Mike carefully shut the front door behind them. Mike was good at hiding his feelings, almost as good as Rafael and far better than Sonny, but Sonny still noticed the small twitch of his fingers and scrunch of his nose that he quickly rectified, keeping his expression neutral but welcoming, inviting Sonny to keep speaking. He didn’t have anything left to say. He was just so tired.

 

“You could have told me, y’know. You don’t have to carry the burden of everything on your own; you’re allowed to ask for help sometimes Sonny, even if you think it’s gonna hurt whoever you’re asking.” Mike said gently, not pushing too hard but clear and firm in his  position. This was also not the only time he’d given pretty much the exact same speech to Sonny, but he figured it couldn’t hurt to give it again.

 

Sonny shrugged. “I’ve told you now.”

 

“That you did. Now are we gonna talk shit about him or what?” Sonny chuckled, eliciting a soft smile from Mike, who disappeared into the kitchen, returning a few moments later with two large glasses of water. 

 

“I don’t wanna even think about that smug bastard anymore,” he took the glass Mike handed to him and turned his body to face where the sergeant now sat on the couch next to him. “I just can’t believe it’s been a whole month already.”

 

“What are you thinkin’ about?” 

 

Sonny almost laughed- what  _ wasn’t  _ he thinking about? 24/7 his mind went in circles over the situation and he couldn’t get a minute's rest. Even though he’d told Mike he was doing better, he still thought about it almost constantly. 

 

“How could he just… give up like that? Obviously his mind was… well, I don’t know where. But he just gave in. He didn’t try to fight, not for me, not to stay out of prison- I mean, he literally just accepted the murder charge when I _know_ he could have at least gotten the time served to be pled down. I’m so angry at him for it but it makes me so sad to know that he really didn’t care enough about himself to try. I love- _loved_ - him so much and I still just don’t get how he could do this to himself.” 

 

Mike listened intently and placed a hand over Sonny’s knee as a small comfort. It still hurt him to see how much pain his friend was in, and a kind of pain he could do nothing to alleviate besides listening to him and being patient with him. 

 

“It’s awful and you never deserved to be treated that way,”

 

Sonny scoffed, interrupting Mike. “I know, you’ve told me a couple hundred times now.”

 

“Yeah? Well I’m going to keep saying it until you believe me. You didn’t deserve it, and no matter how fucked up he was he still doesn’t have the right to put you through as much shit as he has.”

 

“But that’s the thing, Mike, he already has and there’s nothing I can do about it so why bother dwelling on it?” 

 

“Oh, so you’re telling me you’re  _ not  _ dwelling on it?” Mike raised his eyebrows to which Sonny huffed and rolled his eyes. 

 

“Maybe a little.” The smallest hint of a smile passed his lips.

 

“Right. That’s not my point though. What I was going to say was, are you sure it’s Rafael you’re really mad at?” 

 

He considered this for a moment. And, of course, he was angry with Rafael, furious even, but the hatred he felt was very much directed at himself. 

 

“I just… this can’t have been just a spur-of-the-moment thing, right? He must have been in pain for a long time and I didn’t see it. I was his fiance, how could I not have realised something was wrong?” 

 

Mike sighed and shifted closer to Sonny, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t on you to know everything that was going on inside his head, and if he didn’t say anything to you, how could you have known?”

 

“I should have been able to see it though, I should have been able to read him better than anyone else but I was fucking selfish and spent more of my time working than paying attention to him.” He didn’t even know if he believed the words coming out of his mouth, but honestly, he just needed someone to blame and it felt easier to put it on himself than it did to blame Rafael. 

 

“You’re kidding right? You, selfish?” Mike raised his eyebrows and his lips twitched into a smirk. “You’re the least selfish person I’ve ever met- to a fault. I mean, your selflessness can be really freakin’ annoying sometimes, like right now where you’re here blaming yourself for Rafael killing a baby,”

 

Sonny almost wanted to get angry again and scream about how much he hated himself and Rafael and Stone and, well, everything. But the playful smirk on the face of his best friend mixed with his brash phrasing of Rafael’s crime made giggles bubble up in his chest, and before he knew it he was doubled over and laughing uncontrollably, Mike chuckling softly by his side. 

 

It still hurt- everything that happened and everything that was still happening- and he expected it would for a long time still. But right now, Sonny was laughing, he was well fed and had drank enough water, he was pleasantly buzzed but no longer drinking his feelings and he felt safe and secure with someone who was willing to put up with and help him deal with everything he was feeling. And for right now, that was enough. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone that's been reading i love yall !!!!
> 
> comments make me happy
> 
> twitter is @transcarisi

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick note: yes I am aware Barba was at Ben Stone’s funeral and probably knew who Peter was before. But this is a crack fic so canon kind of goes out the window.
> 
> comments are appreciated! 
> 
> my twitter is @snnycarisi


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